We need more nose jobs We need more hair relaxers More magazines telling us
There's something wrong with your face There's something wrong with your face There's something wrong with your face There's something wrong with your face
(Bern, 1998)
The author, embracing her time lines.
Day One - The Project
Sitting down to a much-earned quiet cup of morning weekend coffee, I decide to look ahead to the next course work due for my Fundamentals of Sustainability course at Cape Breton University. The gist of the assignment seems to be right up my alley:
‘…pay close attention to your consumption habits and patterns… pay particular attention to direct and indirect messages we receive daily that prompt consumer activity…record your thoughts concerning your consumption habits throughout the next two weeks…’
Journalling was once a passion of mine, and I revel in opportunities where my personal learning affords me time and space for me to do something I love. Sustainability issues are also at the forefront of my being and I have been striving for years to make the most ethical choices I can around lifestyle and consumerism. My excitement starts to rise and then falls flat. At first thought, I can’t think of anything I really need to rein in in terms of spending and consumer habits. The truth is, I don’t spend a lot of money. I’m not into fashion (other than recycled or swapped), I have no time for take-out coffees in my morning, I am frugal and conscientious with every nickel I earn. I’d like to say this is because I am a superhero of sustainability but the truth is I have always been a meagre consumer even before it was cool. I decide to take a few days to dig deeper, looking at where I am drawn to purchase and how I resist.
Day Two -The Idea
'Aging is acceptable only if it passes for youth.'
(Friedan, 2020)
I’m standing in the grocery store line up. All purchases necessary and well planned. I glance to the quick pick magazine choices and see this:
In the grocery store line up.
I’m instantly irked. While this may seem benign at first glance, I am getting used to the subtle changes in language that address ‘older women’ and ‘wrinkles’ in the consumer world. Marg Helgenberger is 61 (yet glossed over and photo brushed to look 30) and sharing her tips on a juice add-in that will ‘revive her skin, hair and nails’. Like they just took their last breath and these body parts need CPR to survive.
A general practice of mine is to flip magazines backwards that send negative messages to people while they shop. I take a quick photo, and flip this one. My mind has now locked in on a place I feel vulnerable to consumer messages-my aging face.
(Zhu, 2019)
Day Three - The Realization
'Every line tells its own story, even the very tentative ones.'
(Harwood, 2020)
I turned 44 this year. If I am lucky and get to lead a long and healthy life, then by my estimation, I have arrived smack dab into the middle of my journey. The dreaded middle age-that I heard my parents curse when I was younger (yet could never conceptualize) has come. In some ways I can’t believe I can possibly be middle aged. I remember drinking a beer (legally) with my Dad when he turned 40! How can I be in my 40s? Yet, my own son turns thirteen this month and is tall enough to look me in the eye when we hug. I can’t still be a teenager and have a teenage son.
Slowly over the past decade I have witnessed wrinkles creep onto my face-mostly around my eyes. At first, I was a little more than indifferent. In fact, I actually kind of loved the ruggedness my smile lines brought to my face. I had always admired the creases on hard core outdoor women’s faces, from sun and wind and adventure. Now that I’m mid-forties, however, each new contour line comes with more pressure to resolve it. Revive it. Breathe breath and smoothness back into it.
The constant computer algorithms that my internet habits expose me to have let me know I am entering a new phase-that in which many women feel they are becoming invisible. I’m now at a time in my life where I am changing but must work harder than ever to stop the clock, or better yet, reverse it. Forever 21. Because while aging is the most natural thing my body can do, our society does not value it, especially in women.
I’ve heard the whispers of women around me who adopt ‘skin care regimes’ and ‘consider Botox’. As someone who has never paid much attention to make up or fashion trends, I started to feel the self-doubt creeping in. Do my wrinkles make me ugly? Am I less desirable now that I am getting older? Maybe I should have my own skin care regime? If so, what does it look like? And how do I know where is best to invest my money?
Day Four - The Outreach
I realize that the women in my life must also be feeling the insane pressures to stay young yet I have rarely spoken seriously with any of them about this.
I’m inspired to draw from my community to see how my women friends feel and how they respond to these pressures. How do we reconcile the push and pull of recognizing our beauty yet not being duped into buying all the flashy elixirs? I pen a letter and send it out immediately to women in my inner circle:
Dear beautiful women in my life,
I hope you are all well in your little nooks of the planet.
For those of you who don't know, I'm currently doing my Masters in Education at Cape Breton University with a focus on Sustainability, Creativity and Innovation. For my current course in Sustainability, we are looking at the consumer world and how it influences us. My latest project is to keep a reflective journal of my consumer habits and challenges over the next few weeks and then write on the experience.
Something that has risen to the surface for me in this exercise is the immense pressure I now feel as a 'middle-aged woman' to adopt a 'skin care regime' and basically do whatever I can (especially if it includes spending a ridiculous amount of money on products and nips and tucks) to stay young. This is where I now see the consumer world trying to prey on my insecurities as a forty-something woman, telling me that not only was I never ‘enough’ with how my body, hair and face looked, but I'm about to become even worth even less as I show my age.
I'd like to say I'm immune to this but of course I am not. However, I am ready to do some reclamation of my power and beauty as a woman by defying what the economic and societal pressures want me to succumb to as I age. I'd like to invite you to do the same.
I’m learning to love my wrinkles-those beautiful crow's feet around my eyes that show my laughter and outdoor adventures over the years. Those thick forehead lines that mark worrying for my children, the planet, and a lack of sleep for the past 13 years (and counting). I want to model confidence and beauty to my daughter that does not include an 'Oil of Olay, twice a day' slogan beginning in her pre-teen years (not to say I don't love a good healthy moisturizer, but that is beside the point).
Every unhealthy action needs a replacement behaviour. I'm challenging myself to take photos of me that accentuate my wrinkles. Snapshots where I feel beautiful, and you can see that I am 44 years and counting. I've never been into 'selfies' but I am about to learn. I'm trying to determine what my replacement behaviour will be anytime I feel like I need to give in and 'buy more stuff' to make me feel beautiful as an aging woman. So far, I've landed on this: I'm going to spend time in the more-than-human world and photograph the beauty of nature as it ages. My personal photos may be comparisons to these. I'm still mulling over how this part will come together. I want it to feel authentic and really be what I need to feel strong and beautiful.
I'd like to invite you all as women I admire and see beauty in everyday (even when I don't see you often) to participate in this as well in some form. It is of course, a challenge by choice. But if you do decide to participate (which I would love) here's how it could look:
* send me photos of yourself (selfies or taken by others) that accent your beauty/wisdom lines (aka wrinkles). Allow yourself to see how beautiful you are. Be creative! You don’t need to show your whole face, neck, hands or wherever else you find new wrinkles these days.
* write to me your own thoughts and reflections on this and how you may be telling the beauty industry to bugger off as they encourage you to spend your life's savings on creams, regimes, and injections.
* share what your 'replacement behaviour' might be for times when you can't see how gorgeous you are as you age - what do you do to celebrate your body? How are you empowered by your beautiful aging flesh and bones?
I would be sharing your contributions on a website I use as a collection of my writing and projects. Consider how you would feel about this and write me if you have any questions about this. Thank you so much for considering. I really value who you all are and what you might offer to this project.
Also, bonus points if you can help me come up with a clever play on words for the title of the project. I’ve been thinking something with lines in it…
‘Between the Lines’, ‘A Fine Line’ or ‘Walk the Line’ OR perhaps a play on ‘A Wrinkle in Time?’
Sending warmth and love to you all,
Jenny
After hitting send, I feel a deep sense of vulnerability. I’ve acknowledged a weakness in myself and am not sure what sort of response I will get from my peers, if any. I know people are busy and will need to take time to share their thoughts. I'm also aware it could strike a chord in some that will make it too difficult to be honest. And then I go to the grocery store and find my strength when confronted with another of these:
Another day, another eyesore in the grocery store line up. Flip.
Day Five – The Beginnings
I breathe a sigh of relief when I get two responses the day after releasing this into the world. One from a dear friend since high school and the other from my cousin. I am so grateful for their words and time. I commit to spending thought and care with each submission, seeing what it raises for me and looking at patterns and perceptions.
First from my high school friend:
‘… I have always said that I will embrace my stretch marks and wrinkles as “honour/warrior lines”. I worked hard for all of these wrinkles and stretch marks…”
‘…But if I am being honest with myself, there is a distant worry that I will one day wake up, look in the mirror and not recognize myself. I don’t want that. Is the consumer world influencing that fear? I would have to agree yes…’
I love the duality presented here. It is something I feel all the time. I will embrace my wrinkles yet I also worry that wrinkles will disappear who I am and I don’t want that.
'...are these products giving us empty promises? There is a ‘fine line’ between keeping my face healthy and vibrant and being and looking like what I ‘think’ I am supposed to look like. I will continue to self-talk myself into believing I am beautiful the way I am. And to continue to wear minimal make-up and find beauty in my natural state…’
The empty promises piece stands out to me. I’ve been resisting looking up wrinkle creams while doing this project so I don’t overly influence the ads I am being fed. Quickly, though, I type in ‘best wrinkle creams’. The first ad I get is from Prevention magazine, which has an image of a twenty-something woman and the tag line-‘because it’s never too late to start taking care of your skin'. Too late? When are we supposed to start fighting wrinkles? In puberty?
Thankfully (insert sarcasm here), embedded in the article are 15 creams for me to choose from and a quick link so I can buy now. Phew! Wrinkles averted another day.
The article itself does suggest that some effects are shorter term, and should not be expected to reverse wrinkles.
My cousin’s response is brief but to the point:
'…I know I should be moisturizing and having a cleansing ritual at night but I can't be bothered. I take off my make up if I'm wearing any - end of story. It's not me telling the beauty industry to stick it - as I think make up can make people feel like their best self - it's just never been my thing…but doing yoga regularly is a practice that makes me feel good about myself inside and out…'
It makes me so happy to know she has confidence enough to make her own choices around a beauty regime, and finds things that make her feel good that don't revolve around primping and preening.
Day Six – The Floodgates
It's not that the reflections pour in, yet the number of women that took the time to respond feels like more than I could have expected. I know it is a hard ask for people yet it feels like I've tapped into something that my close circle has experience with and they express so eloquently. Each night I pour myself a tea and read over their responses. I find a number of parallels in my own feelings around aging, and find that while there are a lot of similarities, there is also diversity in the range of emotions and approaches to aging and the pressure. Every woman's approach to my ask is different, unique and beautiful-just like them. This communication affords me an opportunity to connect with old friends and learn more about newer ones. At the same time as my friends are communicating with me, I am carving out solitude in nature to see the beauty in the more-than-human world. I compare what I observe to my own rugged and aging beauty, and am building my capacity to deal with the pressures of aging with confidence and strength.
Day Seven – The Poetry
'Your face is marked with lines of life, put there by love and laughter, suffering and tears. It's beautiful.'
(Sands, 2020)
Two participants share their thoughts through vivid and personal poetry:
Reclaiming our contour maps
My body as riverbed.
Beauty and terror carving their tributaries.
The light and dark of life reflected on my skin.
Tracings of my larger watershed:
Women patterned with strength and wisdom
that can't be erased.
This body of mine
I know her.
I’ve known her all my life.
And yet,
I don’t know
What she says or feels or needs.
How can I hear her
Over the noise;
The loud and incessant click bait;
The never-ending never enough?
This body of mine,
She deserves a trophy,
Or a medal, or praise,
Or maybe,
To be judged and criticized;
To be painted, dyed, and covered up;
To be made prettier, slimmer, younger.
Does she deserve this?
Must she earn the accolades?
So I say,
‘It’s ok, my dear’
As I stroke her cheek
She isn’t an investment portfolio
Or a meritocracy.
And, as long as we’re sharing opinions,
She deserves love.
She longs for it.
Needs it.
And yet,
Often she’s ignored,
Or silenced,
Or numbed.
I started to listen at 40.
Started to believe her at 41.
It’s still so hard to hear her
Quiet whispers
Over the din
“I’ve carried you thousands of miles.”
“I’ve carried seven babies.”
“I’ve helped you feel joy
And survive heartbreak.”
“These lines, these silver threads,
They know you.
They show you.”
So I say,
‘It’s ok, my dear’
As I stroke her cheek
This body of mine—
I admire her,
Make a small offering:
Maybe a thank you.
Maybe time,
Or connection.
And yet,
Love still feels conditional,
Many days.
Even though:
I am listening closer.
I am getting to know her,
I am learning to love her.
And, sometimes,
I’m able to give her
What she needs.
So I say,
‘It’s ok, my dear’
As I stroke my cheek
Day Eight-The Patterns
'You have to sit down and take a good look at yourself, particularly as you grow older and your face changes. People are afraid of changing; that they’re losing something. They don’t understand that they are also gaining something …'
(Ephron, 2020)
Reading and listening to what my women friends and family tell me, I observe patterns in the conversation and am able to tease out some of the truths I notice:
1. Aging women are less seen
'...but if I dig deeper and recognize I am a product of our society that doesn't embrace or celebrate women (in particular) as they (we) age. I am being honest when I say I don't know that I have the capacity to celebrate my aging body. I remember my mum saying that she felt like she was becoming invisible as she aged. I can see this...'
'...older women are definitely some of the most marginalized people in our society, it is no wonder to me that many of them spend their time trying to acquire youthful faces so they feel noticed. I know the feeling well...'
'...I am astonished at the confluence of feeling less seen/visible as I age as a woman - and the reality of my skin losing its elasticity at a truly noticeable rate...'
2. The beauty industry wants us
'...search engines have definitely sussed my gender and age (even though I'm not on Facebook) - the sides of my screens are full of those awful ads about fighting belly bulge and combatting wrinkles. A colleague mentioned this persistent annoyance at work this week (along with the dating ads for 60 year old men - so google, not surprisingly, does not see that I am queer). A full page ad in my weekend paper drew me in more than I'd like to admit - and it's soothing to know that other women are experiencing this push to buy products to maintain our youthful appearance...'
'...in some ways, it feels more than vanity. Women's worth - and what notice or attention we get - is often based on how we look and what norms we fit. Women dye their hair to get jobs, are expected to wear makeup to work - all sorts of things men would not think of, regardless of their age...'
'...The thing that I notice about the beauty industry is that ads show 20 somethings marketing wrinkle cream, which is so ridiculous. They try to reel us in at a very early age so we will spend our money on unnecessary products over a lifetime and continue to support the largely male capitalist institutions. A good place for us to expend our energies would be to stop the industry from reaching our youth and telling them they need these products. But how? Perhaps we see them for how toxic they are and ban their ads like cigarettes...'
'...I think that it is hard not to get sucked down the rabbit hole of every changing product and what they will do to keep us looking younger in a culture obsessed with youth...'
'...I am focusing on resistance. Limiting/deleting social media is huge for decreasing my exposure to ads. The simple acts of not 'buying the lies' from the beauty industry (i.e. putting my money where my mouth is), taking selfies and silly pictures where you can see my wrinkles and all, and never speaking negatively about wrinkles (especially around others, children, etc.) unless it is about how they have contributed to my life experience in a positive way...'
3. The struggle is real
'...BUT, I struggle with embracing the aging process and that is really the crux of why its taken me so long to email back...I do feel the pressure, but I also kind of like it. Is that terrible? I feel like this is a discussion...'
'...this is a hard ask for me. Honestly, I dye my hair and have just recently bought the wrinkle cream. I have told myself that these choices are about self care and taking care of me...'
'...f*** you, patriarchy, me and my dog are going to the beach...'
'...but I do have a confession. My mother has always been beautiful. She still is today in her mid 70’s. However, in the last couple of years she feels she doesn’t even recognize herself in the mirror. She can see her face behind the many wrinkles that now cover her face. She is trying to embrace them but is having a hard time as the face she see’s reflecting back at her is not the face she remembers. I have ramped up my face cleaning regime to twice a day now. I don’t want to feel like my mom. I can deal with the flat laugh line wrinkles I have. They show my personality, smiling lines etc… but when they move from 2-D to 3-D wrinkles, I fear I will feel just like my mom. Why? Is this a media/consumer influence? What are we shown is beautiful. It’s not an aging, wrinkled face...'
4. Our bodies are strong and beautiful
'...my self compassion or celebration for my body is that I am becoming stronger and healthier, even with age and that it is possible...'
'...I have always loved to exercise and I feel as though it connects me to my healthy, strong self and makes me feel so good - when I go for a long walk, or a swim, I feel great. I also love yoga for all of these reasons, it makes me physically stronger and it also develops my spiritual self and self love...'
'...I have also spent so much time in nature alone and with others this year where ‘camp hair’ and not showering are celebrated and when I look back at the pictures of these outdoor times, I think I look the most beautiful and the most happy. I have replaced my time on my outer looks with inner joy by being active. I guess the capability of my body is the next hurdle I will have to face as I age, but for now the pleasure I get in my bodies’ strength and ability to run and climb and garden seems to have replaced caring so much about my wrinkles or grey hair...'
'...I accept my appearance as the stories of my life. I have never worn makeup as it simply feels like a mask. And I take comfort that my hands look more like my mother’s as the days go by...'
'...I consciously celebrate that I am still flexible and strong - possibly more so than women younger than me. And I am having the best sex of my life with someone whom I intend to entwine my body with until one of us becomes spirit. As I write that, I think that could also be a replacement behaviour - focusing on spirit (peacefulness, kindness, aliveness) that I think radiates outward at any age...'
5. Growing old is a gift
'..You can zoom in for better wrinkle close ups! They come when you finally know what’s important, like growing garlic and not having time to look in the mirror for being too busy living...'
'...my mother read to me in the evenings and I remember " The Golden Bird"; a story about a strong woman who lived in the forest, fed the birds and was kind to strangers. But Babka could hold her own, she had a fiery nature and always had white hair in my mind...'
'...there is no time machine. Let your wrinkles show the life you have lived and the people you have loved. It's about letting your grey hair hang out and your smile lines shine...'
'...I remind myself that the lines formed and forming on my face and body are part of my story. There is no need to hide them as they are part of me. Beauty belongs to everybody at every stage of life....'
'...when people talk about ageing and use the word acceptance, that word makes my spirits droop and my facial muscles sag. I prefer the concept of leaning in. Leaning in implies motion. For me it is important to retain a sparkle in your eyes, which indicates a women still has a zest for life, and that to me brings with it a genuine beauty...'
Day Nine – The Elders
'I like the woman you became better than the girl you were. I like the story you've written on your face.'
(Bourne, 2020)
I decided it would me remiss of me to not check in with my elders-my mother, aunt and mother-in-law who have come through middle age and are now in their sixties and seventies. I wondered if the pressures have diminished for them or if they still feel the that our consumer culture pushes them to primp with purchases.
'...when it comes down to it that although I do enjoy looking younger, it isn’t a priority or that important to me. My 73 year old self wants to be healthy and comfortable so if I use make up or try to cover all my deserved lines and wrinkles I would not be authentic...'
'...Older women are definitely some of the most marginalized people in our society, it is no wonder to me that many of them spend their time trying to acquire youthful faces so they feel noticed. I know the feeling well. I find my own wrinkles are really badges of honour that I have acquired from living this long. I think that living to be old is a privilege denied to many people so I need to be grateful for this opportunity. I don’t want to spend my aging years running after a wrinkle-free face and a youth long gone. Which is not to say that I don’t use good moisturizer, and wear makeup etc. as I want to care for myself but I would rather spend my time becoming a better person, being kind to others or making the world a better place for my grandchildren. I think we need to re-frame aging and see it as an adventure where we are unencumbered with worrying about our looks and see it as a new stage of growth, full of opportunity...'
'...I want to write a little about the feelings of loss as I age and my appearance changes. Strange as though it might seem, those feelings of loss are not as strong as you might think. My children might look at photos of me when I was young and wonder if I mourn the loss of my beauty. And yet, in a way I feel as if I haven’t really lost those beautiful looks, I still have them, not in my face and body any more, but in my heart and memory. I once looked like that; therefore, that former appearance is still a part of my psyche, maybe like a loved family member who is no longer with us but whose presence and memories will never disappear. Similar also to the fact that I was a very keen and able backpacker who could climb strongly in the Rockies over days. I can’t do that now, but those experiences are still with me and shape who I am as a person.
Also at play in that regard is the idea that I enjoy who I am now and what my life has to offer. That younger beautiful woman I used to be had many insecurities and burdens that I don’t have any more. She didn’t always fully realize how beautiful she was or what was truly important in life. She was not always on firm ground in terms of what she believed in. She hadn’t fully realized her deep values...'
In conversing with other women who contributed to this, we realize that we are not having these conversations with our mothers as we should be. With their wisdom and experience, we should be learning and listening to our elders. I am so grateful for what my family offered to me. I grow stronger in their words.
(Kay, 2015)
Day Ten – The Research
The beauty industry is ripe and ready to advertise age reversal products to women over 40. Raconteur magazine suggests to entrepreneurs:
'...with “beauty at any age” the new buzzwords, the industry is finally reaching for the opportunities this consumer demographic offers. No doubt they’ve noticed the numbers. By 2020 the over-50s will make up 50 per cent of the population and control almost 80 per cent of the UK’s wealth with higher than average disposable income, according to the Office for National Statistics....' (Kay, 2015).
With population numbers and earned income in our favour, we are a clear target. Add in a dollop of insecurity, the need to be seen and heard at work, and a culture that tells us we must stay young, and you've got investors for life.
The concept of 'hyperconsumption' is alive and well in the beauty product industry. As aging women, we are vulnerable to this arm of consumerism as it feeds on '...more and more people believing they can consume their way to a better life using products that claim to improve health and emotional well being...' (Mulligan, 2018) Hyperconsumption is the method in the madness to 'hook' us on age reversal products from an early age. We are targeted and I know this not just from the research but because it is my lived experience. It is the lived experience of all the women in my life and I have yet to meet a woman who doesn't feel this, whether or not she acts on the impulses.
Day Eleven – The Beauty
Alongside their words and wisdom, my gorgeous community of women shared photos of themselves embracing their earned lines. I loved the balance of vulnerability and bravery that had to go into these and thus need to share them in a couple of different platforms -the first as an artistic collage, the second as a slideshow, offering a moment to slow down, see the aging and embrace their unfiltered beauty.
A stunning collection of the gorgeous women in my life.
Day Twelve -The Next Steps
It feels that this is just the beginning of the conversation for me and my community of women. Together we have acknowledged the need for this dialogue, the support for one another, and the drive to maintain our beauty, visibility and confidence without giving ourselves over to the consumer pressures and power.
Strength in community
I am committed to continuing this conversation with the women in my life. To 'leaning in' , acknowledging and celebrating this journey into old age. Witnessing the newness of an aging body and acknowledging that this is built on a lifetime of experiences.
Spend time in nature
I gain my strength in nature and I know this. I feel my connectedness to this planet and place. My reverence for the more-than-human world makes me feel small and humbled, and a part of world full of miracles and beauty, so much bigger than my insignificant wrinkles.
Avoid the ads
I gave up Facebook ages ago and have never looked back. I am still an 'under the radar' Instagram user but now that I've been researching for this project, the ads for beauty products are sky rocketing. Time for a break.
Take care of me
I am strong and fit and healthy and I don't take this for granted. I care for my body through exercise, food, family, friends, and connection to the natural world.
Fight back
I will continue to do what feels best for my body and mind as I age. I will do my best to build my strength up against the societal pressure to stay young. I will work to redefine beauty with my community of women. I will set a healthier example for my daughter, as I've tried to do with all of the other societal pressures I know she will feel as a woman through her lifetime.
Lucky Day Thirteen-The Deepest Gratitude
What started as a small curiosity for how the femmes in my life are dealing with the pressures of aging turned into a powerful and beautiful conversation. I would like to thank each and every woman who contributed to this. They remain anonymous in their writing and photography and my sense is that their voices have become a collective female voice in this final product. Know that you are all so important to me. You are seen and heard. You are beautiful. I love the stories written on your face and the little parts of your timeline that I've been lucky enough to share in. My deepest gratitude.
Jenny
Resources:
Bern, D. (1998). Rolling away. On Fifty Eggs [Album]. New York, NY: Work Group.
Good Reads. (2020). Aging Gracefully Quotes. Retrieved from: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/aging-gracefully
Kay, C. (2015, September 27). Over 50s market prefers ‘enhancement’ to anti-ageing. Retrieved from: https://www.raconteur.net/over-50s-market-prefers-enhancement-to-anti-ageing/
Mulligan, Martin (2018). An introduction to sustainability, environmental, social and personal perspectives, (2nd ed.). London and New York: Routledge.
Zhu, E. (2019, May 23). Anti-aging advertisements are getting old. Retrieved from: https://www.womensmediacenter.com/fbomb/anti-aging-advertisements-are-getting-old
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